With apologies

Ghostly is the sound of snow 

crushed beneath tires

as I look out upon

the white emptiness of this parking lot

where nary a raven would alight.

Into this molasses cold

silence thick and dark

stirs a single cry:

"There must be more."

I miss her so much.

Obedience

Expiation.

Steadfast

I don't ever want to stop fighting for this world.

So soon

Well now. I wonder when this will go away.

Mile 3

Chouette, je te manque beaucoup.

Mad ramblings

A journey is given meaning by the markers that measure it. Without
frame of reference, we may as well live within a sensory deprivation
chamber.

We are a world sick at heart, starved for story to give us meaning,
but too blind to see the nose on our faces.

I don't know where to pick up or leave off any more.

Game over

If I hear about one more I'm gonna scream. No really, I will do it.

I was not made for this world. Sometimes if I was made to belong in
any world.

Let's go to Europe

I am not Frank Wheeler. Lord, save me from becoming Frank Wheeler.

Grace and Wisdom

November 7, 2008.

There will never be another.

Like sand through your fingers.

-----

I've never been so struck by the enormity of a gift. It's been hanging heavy on my heart all day. Lord, teach me to value things rightly.

And sometimes, when I think about the past, I want to vomit.

Luxury

Empty handed.

I'm tired.

Black Swan

I used to love these songs, but now I can't listen to them without
feeling like I'm a failure as a human being.

Where did I go so wrong? It's not your fault; I guess the truth just
hurts.

Into the breach

My heart is broken but it keeps going on

Going strong

The joy of the Lord is my strength

My fortress

And these kids will see the light

Lord, I hold on to Your promise.

Your promise is all I have left in this world.

It's all I have.

It's all I've ever had.

-----

Love that's stronger

Love that covers sin

Love that takes the weight of the world

I love you

All of my hope is in you

Jesus Christ take my life

Take all of me.

Libation

So I'll stand
with arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the one who gave it all
I'll stand
My soul Lord to you surrendered
All I am is yours

Karin Bernquist and the Game

Changes come
Turn my world around
Jesus come
Burn this whole thing down

-----

And I'm grinding till I'm tired
Cause you ain't grinding till you're tired
So I'm grinding with my eyes wide
Looking to find a way through the day
And a light for the night
Dear Lord, you've taken so many of my people
I'm just wondering why you haven't taken my life
I mean what the hell am I doing right here

No-man's Land

Mark 3.33
Philippians 1.21

It's all fun and games until you really have to live it out, and
you're all out of excuses. And how does one get by day by day?

1 Corinthians 13

Faith. Hope. Love. And the greatest of these is love.

Love on a cross. A cross with my name on it.

Consternation

I feel weird and ill at ease.

Day 8

It was a lot harder than I thought it would be.  I am a lot weaker, but my God is strong.

"In the paths of your judgements, O Lord, we wait for you;

Your name and remembrance are the desire of our souls."

(Isaiah 26.8)

There is no rock like our God.

And I am not mourning anymore.

Anytime Graffitti

Pela makes no lyrical sense, but the way the songs are sung and the tunes are played tap into my emotions so well.

As an aside, I'm sad Pandora will discontinue soon. :(

Pointillism

These past 6 months just flew by.  Maybe the next 12 will too.

-----

God, you are so good and so faithful.  Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of evil, an evil of my own making, yet you are with me.  Your strength and discipline, guidance and wisdom, they comfort me. 

-----

A million miles I have come

A million I have yet to go

The days are getting colder

And I am getting older

Grace remains

In the face of a thousand inequities.

-----

One day, God willing, I will make it out to Eastern Europe again.

One day, God willing, I will not break any more hearts.

Europe is a treasure map, and there is a big X in Dobrogea.  Time and distance hasn't changed much.

-----

The days are getting colder.

And I am getting older.

Irony.

In this situation, you're precisely the person I would call.

Ecclesiastes 3.11

Bless you.  From the bottom of my heart, bless you in every way imaginable.

I'm done.

You Will Not Win

Lord help us.

I'm thankful for all You've done... and all You're going to do... but Lord help us.

I am so angry.

Lord help us.

Raise up a generation to banish the darkness.

Lord help us.

I am so angry.  Lord help me not to sin in my anger.

Hands up

I admit that I don't get it.

Casting down my golden crowns

To be silent in want--naked in desperation, while keeping the heart
quiet. Wait and claim, faith, not feeling.

So many things of the former life have fallen away. Some I feel like I
ought to pick back up, but I have no idea how. So I don't call and I
don't pick up the phone. It's a lonely time, but it's impossible to
include others. I read my bible and eat my sushi alone, and learn to
be still in failure, both real and perceived. Humility looks a lot
more fun and noble on paper.

I am ever sojourning in a foreign land. Again, it's one thing to read
it, another thing to live it.

I want to be consumed, so that there is no more I, only You. Jesus,
make me the man that You want me to be.

Majesty

Your grace has found me just as I am.
Empty handed but alive in Your hands.

To be continued

One day I will be proud of myself. Thank You Lord that the day is 

drawing nearer. I would be lost without Your redemption.

Seems so out of context

Praying for a beach house.
And the strength to endure.
And against the pride of a hermit's life.

Still, a beach, a dog, and a house full of books sounds nice.

How much longer can I last...

As long as I must.

This ends here.

Ughs. Ughs. Ughs.

No retreat.

Should I stumble again

I'm prideful and myopic. Mea culpa. Your chastisement is almost too
much to bear.

Another day dawns.

The battle belongs to the Lord

Thank you so much, Jesus.

Now to press in, not give up, and not fear the naysayers.

Weltschmerz

Lord, help them hold on when the disappointment batters their hearts and hope turns bitter in their mouths. When they are scared to wonder, "Maybe this time will be it." I see the pictures, and they all look so tired.

Is this the desert into which You lure my generation? If so, let Love be waiting at the end.

You really are a jealous God, aren't You? Jealousy more fierce than the grave strikes holy fear in me.

Reconnections

Thank you Lord for quickly answering prayers. Please keep me grounded in you.

Daybreak

The doors are opening. Now to step forward boldly, and not to grow weary.

Xangasurf

I found this on a random Xanga, and all I can say is, "Yes."

And I know I'm weak
I know I'm unworthy
To call upon Your name
But because of grace
Because of Your mercy
I stand here unashamed.

Here I am
At Your feet
In my brokenness complete.

"In repentance and rest is your salvation,
In quietness and trust is your strength."
[Isaiah 30.15]

Remixed

would You come
would You return
return to us with love?
for we are broken and we're in need
and so we come asking for mercy

...

(i plead for mercy!)

..

(i plead for You!)

.


.




.
.
.
i
can hear the sound of rain...
.
He's coming to america again.

("Sound of Rain" by Autumn Katz, remixed by me)

Youth Pastoring

The years pass by
In the blink of an eye
And I'm left wondering
If I could have done more.

So much heartbreak.
So much disillusionment.
Lord, do you see Your children?

The pain of the elder
Is that we cannot choose for the younger.
This too is the heart of God.

The First Interesting Premise For a Novel I've Ever Come Up With By Myself

(I realize others may have thought of this or similar plots before me... yay for Michael Crichton's "Timeline"... but I always struggle with coming up with interesting conflicts for stories. I think this is the first interesting one I've ever come up with.)

PREMISE: At some point in the near future, a research team discover a practical way to time travel. A team of researchers transport to a point 20 years in the future and disappear. The cause of disappearance is discovered to be the end of time itself; the team tried to travel to a point in time beyond the "end of the world".


CONFLICT: How do the various surviving characters react to the evidence of the imminent end of the cosmos? How does this affect they way they relate to one another? Do they try to keep this information from the world at large, to allow the world to live as "normal" of a life for as long as possible, or do they feel a moral obligation to tell everyone?

Quintessence

These chemicals of mine
Trapped in my own skin
Encased in matter

Long to return to their element

Like aether

To a hypothetical heaven.

What is the realm of thought

If not a Platonic form?

Come soon, Lord Jesus...

Stand by everything You said
Stand by the promises we made
Let go of everything I’ve done
I'll run into Your open arms
And all I know

Chorus:
I love You more than life
I love You more than life

Fall back on everything You've done
Fall back on everlasting arms
When all the world is swept away
You are all the things I need
You're the air I breathe

How can it be
You were the one on the cross that died for me?
Lifted for all our shame?
How can it be
The scars in Your hands are for me?
You are the king of all

("More than Life," Hillsong United)

No mas

Tonight we remember
As if remembrance has meaning
As if night had a voice
As if hope had an anchor.

Nietzche was right, all is decadence
But our Lord is a velvet-wrapped brick.

Alrighty.

At the end of the day, I ought to grab a broom and sweep up the pieces, but I'm too tired or distracted to. Or apathetic.

Anybody want to buy a TV and an entertainment center?

So sick of soup

I want God so much for myself, my church, my world, that it hurts. And
yet the task is so daunting, and my hands are so empty.

Twelve basketfuls. Faith is not faith unless it is held on to in the
midst of a crisis. Love is not love until it hurts to love. Loyalty is
not loyalty unless it costs something to stay loyal.

I want to be a good and faithful servant, despite my traitor heart.

This... is... Sparta...

I don't like conflict.  I really don't like to be misunderstood.  But that's just how it's going to be, and the fight will never end.  I know it's worth it, but I just have to live it consistently.

Rein it in.  Even if everybody around me wants to throw the baby out with the bathwater and play zero sum games.

Brace for impact

We who sit in darkness plead to You: Lord, please heal our land. The
storm is coming and we have no rudder.

Too many ideals to choose from

I'm so far away. Need to recenter.

A longing for a world with cleaner aesthetics and simpler sensibilities.

Shema

I woke up one morning and found a 4" gash.

Tried to sterilize it with bourbon.

Tried to preoccupy it with distractions.

Tried to teach myself to live with it.

And now I'm just asking.

Because 75 years is at once a breath and a very long time, and it feels exactly the same, all around the world.

-----
שְׁמַ֖ע יִשְׂרָאֵ֑ל יְהוָ֥ה אֱלֹהֵ֖ינוּ יְהוָ֥ה ׀ אֶחָֽד׃

וְאָ֣הַבְתָּ֔ אֵ֖ת יְהוָ֣ה אֱלֹהֶ֑יךָ בְּכָל־לְבָבְךָ֥ וּבְכָל־נַפְשְׁךָ֖ וּבְכָל־מְאֹדֶֽךָ׃

A boy can dream...

Of course I have $600 to spend on a meal for myself. Obviously. Though I have to say, if there's a place to blow $600, it'd be the French Laundry.

I need a sugar mama and a plane ticket to Napa.

Three principles against the fear of man

A pastor incarnates the Shepherd to the flock.

A pastor lifts up the needs of the flock to the Shepherd.

A pastor faithfully gives the word of the Shepherd to the flock.

God will not be mocked

I originally wrote this in an email to Carol, but decided to post this up on here for posterity's sake. Because my memory is bad like that.

-----
I always laugh when people say they wish they could read minds. The burden can be so heavy sometimes... even when it's heavy joy. I wonder how Jesus was able to carry everything on his narrow human shoulders when he was on the cross.

Thank you Lord for the empty tomb.

Seasons don't die, they just fade away...

My words are empty.

Pure on the outside

I don't want to be Baalam anymore.

Sight Unseen

I want my God to be so much bigger than me.
I want to hold on to the truth.
I want to last long enough to see Good vindicated.
I want to be holy as He is holy.

I want to last beyond the breaking of the world. I want to see it repaired.

Oblivion

I long for it to never have happened. Many years on, I still cannot
bring myself to forget. Am I man, or am I beast?

Yes, the blood of Christ covers all. But like the breaking of the
world, it is still better if it had never had happened. It can be
redeemed, but never undone.

I long. My oh my, how I long and I mourn. If I feel this bad...

A cry from the cistern

God, you're doing such amazing things around the world, even here in America.  And yet it's so easy for me to forget when I become so self-absorbed, sitting in my own little corner and siphoning off a little of your glory for myself.  Is it any wonder that I'm left feeling so dry, the world feeling so cold and empty.

But You are here.  You remain.  I can't forget that.  The dead are coming to life, the blind are seeing, the prisoners are being set free.  Porn stars are coming to know freedom and life.  I have yet to see justice... but I am starting to.  I believe.  I will not give up, even though it's so easy!

I have not been holding on to the dreams you've given me for very long... dreams for justice and righteousness and the presence of God to return to us.  Yet it's already so easy to give up hope.  Lord, do not forget us!

Yet, let the revival begin in my heart.  I want to love You without reservation even when I don't see an immediate advantage in it for myself.  I want my addiction to self to end.

A minute to learn, a lifetime to master

There can be no government without an army

No army without money

No money without prosperity

No prosperity without justice and good administration.

-Ibn Qutayba

Be still, my soul, let the wind and waves be still.

Every morning I
Have a chance to rise and
Give my all.

Every afternoon I find
I have only wasted time
In light of Your awe.

Isn't love amazing
I forgot how to speak
Knowing You are here and
I am finally free.

- Jennifer Knapp, "Say Won't You Say"

I want to believe; help my unbelief!

Love will come set me free.
I do believe.

Too tired for words

God was faithful.
God is faithful.
God will be faithful.

I want to be faithful.

Refine me.
Be to me a consuming fire.
I don't want to be angry.
I don't want to be bitter.

I want to last for the Kingdom.
I want to scream and throw things.

God is faithful.

37 Days

I love ideas, but I've always been afraid of the work it takes to implement them.

(No more. No more.)

I'm so tired, but I've barely begun.

(Keep on. Keep on.)

"I never ran my train off the track, and I never lost a passenger."
-Harriet Tubman

A Trap for Fools

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too,
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream--and not make dreams your master,
If you can think--and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings--nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much,
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And--which is more--you'll be a Man, my son!

(Rudyard Kipling, "If")