Cusp

Because of what Jesus did for me at the cross, I have hope in life.
Not just hope that I won't be in Hell for my afterlife.
Not just hope that my life will have meaning and purpose.
Not just hope that I won't go though existence unloved.

But hope for today.
Hope that there is more than this.
Hope that I'm not condemned to 40 years of wandering in the desert.
Hope that even if I wander for 40 years, there is a way out.
Hope that my mistakes will not persecute me until my death.
Hope to keep going.
Hope to carry on.

Because days like today, I really need hope.
I'm alive because He lives in me.
I'm alive because He has set me free.

I struggle with Kyrgyzstan because I realize I have hit a wall.
I cannot see life beyond July.
Perhaps my earthly life will end in a foreign land, a waterless steppe amongst the people Jesus loves dearly--the lowly and the lost.
Frankly, it would be a fitting and honorable end, the type of end I have prayed for since I was a child.
But I do not think it will come to pass that way.

When I was 18, I looked across the darkened midnight expanse of the Pacific and was terrified. I felt like I had nobody to guide me across the waters, but God's hand was there.
When I was 23, I looked out across the other side of the Pacific and was sorrowful that I had passed through the valley of decision, and that doors were shut behind that could never be opened again. Yet God's hand was there.
Now I am 28. There is no ocean here, and I am sorrowful.
I feel your hand, Lord, but I cannot see it. I want to hold Your hand, but I cannot find it.

I am tired of idols. Truth be told, they are probably tired of me as well.

This is a dark post, but I hold on to this truth: the light is coming. The Son is coming.

Come, Lord Jesus!