An-swol was right

Wake up, Chris, it's time to wake up.
You are not 16 anymore.
Time has passed you by.
Thankfully, God has not left you.
Time to be the you that you can still be.

Grow up, little one.

P.S. I really miss California.

I'm sure I've posted this before

Sometimes the night was beautiful
Sometimes the sky seemed so far away.

Cusp

Because of what Jesus did for me at the cross, I have hope in life.
Not just hope that I won't be in Hell for my afterlife.
Not just hope that my life will have meaning and purpose.
Not just hope that I won't go though existence unloved.

But hope for today.
Hope that there is more than this.
Hope that I'm not condemned to 40 years of wandering in the desert.
Hope that even if I wander for 40 years, there is a way out.
Hope that my mistakes will not persecute me until my death.
Hope to keep going.
Hope to carry on.

Because days like today, I really need hope.
I'm alive because He lives in me.
I'm alive because He has set me free.

I struggle with Kyrgyzstan because I realize I have hit a wall.
I cannot see life beyond July.
Perhaps my earthly life will end in a foreign land, a waterless steppe amongst the people Jesus loves dearly--the lowly and the lost.
Frankly, it would be a fitting and honorable end, the type of end I have prayed for since I was a child.
But I do not think it will come to pass that way.

When I was 18, I looked across the darkened midnight expanse of the Pacific and was terrified. I felt like I had nobody to guide me across the waters, but God's hand was there.
When I was 23, I looked out across the other side of the Pacific and was sorrowful that I had passed through the valley of decision, and that doors were shut behind that could never be opened again. Yet God's hand was there.
Now I am 28. There is no ocean here, and I am sorrowful.
I feel your hand, Lord, but I cannot see it. I want to hold Your hand, but I cannot find it.

I am tired of idols. Truth be told, they are probably tired of me as well.

This is a dark post, but I hold on to this truth: the light is coming. The Son is coming.

Come, Lord Jesus!

If nothing else

(by Over the Rhine)

i'm so tired in the mornings
i try to go back
i try to remember
the light appearing
without warning
tying up my hands
like i'm good for nothing

if nothing else i can dream
i can dream
i'll never tell never tell
all i've seen
right in front of me
like the ghost of every thing that i could be

for the night sky is an ocean
black distant sea
washing up to my window
all the stray dog night owl junkies
orphans vagabonds
angels who lost their halos

if nothing else i can dream
i can dream
i'll never tell never tell
all i've seen
right in front of me,
like the ghost of every thing that i could be
in the cool and callous grip of reality

words in my head
like misfits after midnight
begging for a light
words left unsaid
they may never see the light of day
and that may be okay
if nothing else i can dream

4 years

I wonder if she'll ever forgive me.

Ascents

Take off my glasses
Rub the crusts from my eyes
Idan Raichel sings to his woman
I too call from the depths
"Where is the night to embrace my sorrows?"
"When is the sunrise of my life?"
The only arms here are mine
And the sun rises upon a promise
With the LORD there is redemption
By his unfailing love I can remain
Mi'ma'amakim

I am fighting silently

"Mi'ma'amakim"

From deep depths I called to you to come to me
with your return the light in my eyes will come back
it's not finished,
I am not leaving the touch of your hands
that it may come and light up/wake upon
hearing the sound of your laugh.

From deep depths I called to you to come to me
the moonlight I will again light your way to me
they're spread out and melted again
the touch of your hands
I whisper, ask in your ears:
Who is it that calls to you tonight - listen
who sings loudly to you - to your window
who put his soul so you'd be happy
who will put his hand and build you your home
who will give his life, put it underneath you
who will be like dust living at your feet
who will love you of all your lovers
who will save you from all evil spirits
from the deep depths.

From deep depths I called to you to come to me
the moonlight I will again light your way to me
they're spread out and melted again
the touch of your hands
I whisper, ask in your ears:
Who is it that calls to you tonight

------

Psalm 130

Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD;

O Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
to my cry for mercy.

If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins,
O Lord, who could stand?

But with you there is forgiveness;
therefore you are feared.

I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
and in his word I put my hope.

My soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning.

O Israel, put your hope in the LORD,
for with the LORD is unfailing love
and with him is full redemption.

He himself will redeem Israel
from all their sins.

Desert Song

This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow

Stand

Give us freedom and joy in Your presence, Lord
In your presence we're free
Come let us shout and dance and lift up our hands and
Sing 'cause we are free...

-----

"Do you want to know the secret to living your life in the light? Never stop being hungry for God."

- Jaeson Ma (Man, J, I never get used to spelling your name with the e. At least you stopped calling yourself Jaekwest.)