Semper sursum

I want to have an encounter with God.
I want my church to have an encounter with God.
I desperately want my church to have an encounter with God.
I want Kyrgyzstan to have an encounter with God.
I want us to get hit so hard that we'll never be the same again.

I want us to be desperately in love, desperately in pursuit, unashamed of our mendicancy. I want us to live like nothing else matters.

Because, really... what else matters?

Иисус, Ты любовь моя

Иисус, Ты любовь моя,
Иисус, не оставлю я Тебя,
Из темноты Ты забрал меня,
Дал свободу и теперь знаю я:

В Тебе я нуждаюсь,
Я люблю Тебя, навеки будь со мной.
Спаситель, мой лучший друг,
Прославлять Тебя я буду вновь и вновь.

Lord, I'm sorry for all the times I've gotten in the way of Your work, especially with the parents of CCCNJ. Please forgive me, and work anyway in spite of me. Take me out of the picture, just rescue Your people.

God, I'm so sorry.

Years later, years down, later down the road

On the bus with your FM radio
Half drunk, cigarette hanging out
What happened to your lonely soul, crying out?
What happened to your lonely soul, screaming out?
You say, "Try and lose."
You say, "Try and lose."

Everything you know
Everything you seen
Everything you've loved
Everything you've been
And everywhere you've walked
Every song you sing
Every time you wake
It haunts you once again.

Endure

I am so tired of the shrill female Mandarin voice coming from my neighbors upstairs, especially when they have long screamfest fights. Makes me want to tear my hair out.

Fumbling in the dark

Life takes so much skill. Lord help me.

O Come O Come Emmanuel

And ransom captive Israel.

Ellipsis

The leaves are not falling
I am not falling
This song is rising
But I am not flying

Rhetorical

I just want to worship with people who want nothing more.
Pray with people for whom prayer is like breathing.
Laugh and eat and hang out with people whose sole desire is to love and serve Jesus.
Talk about life and love and politics and sports with people who love life and care about this world because they are gifts from God.
Cry with people who care about something more than themselves and their immediate circle.

I'm the pastor in a church; why is it so hard to find?
Why am I unable to build such a community?

Lord take the log out of my eye, cut off the right hand that causes me to sin, and touch the coal to my lips. I am unclean.

Camus, my brother

I came to this earth a stranger.
I'll leave a stranger.
Why do I feel like I will die as a stranger in a strange land?

When that day comes, I think I will look around at blank, unfeeling
eyes and feel that it is all strangely fitting.

Lord have mercy

Here we are again. I love it when the Facebook feed shows me pictures of my younger friends and their 7 year old kids.

I'm at a strange place in life. My heart feels 21, but I've been thinking about mortality like a 70 year old. As a side note, pondering oblivion will turn your brain to mush. I don't know how Zen Buddhists do it.

Where's the reset button on this thing called Life?

Freedom is here

I will not fear.
I will not hide Your love.

Mea culpa

Father, please forgive me if I have failed to show mercy or stolen
what was not mine. Forgive me my pride and my desire to be liked.
Forgive me my moral weakness and my lack of integrity.

I want to be like You.

Let's go

It's war. I'm not going to hold myself back anymore.

Running

I rest secure in knowing I gave it my all.

I have nothing more than all You offer me
There is nothing else that's of worth to me

I love You Lord You rescued me
You are all that I want
You're all I need

In Your freedom I will live
In Your freedom I will live
I offer devotion
I offer devotion.

I miss you.

You're all I need.

Escape velocity

I wish you were here to calm me down.

Will this gravity ever be overcome? :(

Be my advocate and my rebuke

God, you're all that I have. You're all that I want.
-----

Psalm 62

1 My soul finds rest in God alone;
my salvation comes from him.
2 He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.

3 How long will you assault a man?
Would all of you throw him down—
this leaning wall, this tottering fence?

4 They fully intend to topple him
from his lofty place;
they take delight in lies.
With their mouths they bless,
but in their hearts they curse.
Selah

5 Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from him.

6 He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.

7 My salvation and my honor depend on God [a] ;
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.

8 Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.
Selah

9 Lowborn men are but a breath,
the highborn are but a lie;
if weighed on a balance, they are nothing;
together they are only a breath.

10 Do not trust in extortion
or take pride in stolen goods;
though your riches increase,
do not set your heart on them.

11 One thing God has spoken,
two things have I heard:
that you, O God, are strong,

12 and that you, O Lord, are loving.
Surely you will reward each person
according to what he has done.

Save us

God, make me a Daniel who can read the times, and like one of the sons of Naphtali who knows what to do.

Am I unable to read the times because I am terrified to believe your Word about judgment? My God, I don't even know what to say.

Your heartbeat feels so far from me these days... I feel like I scarcely know you.

Oh You Bring

VERSE 1:
Oh You bring hope to the hopeless
And light to those in the darkness
And death to life
Now I'm alive
Oh You give peace to the restless
And joy to homes that are broken
I see You now
In You I'm found

CHORUS:
And You opened the door for me
And You laid down
Your life to set me free
All that I am will serve You Lord
And You opened my eyes to see
All the wonder and awe of Christ in me
Jesus You're everything I need

VERSE 2:
Oh You fill those who are empty
And rescue those in the valley
And through it all You calm my soul
Oh You find me in my weakness
And heal the wounds of my heartache
I worship You in spirit and truth

BRIDGE:
All honour
All glory
All praise to You

I wish you all knew there was more

Holy Spirit, I need so much more of you in my life. I am lonely and poor and desperate without You. Be my Master and walk with me. My soul cries out for so much more. So much more. Father, Son, Holy Spirit.

I don't realize how hard and lonely it is to serve in NJ until I leave... but that's why I'm glad God has called me there in this season. Lord, send us Your rain! Send us your revival! I refuse to release the hem of your robe!

I am a child. I have so much more left to grow. Lord, uphold me against my detractors.

It's good to have even 10 minutes

I am pressing on.

I refuse to let a good thing become twisted into a very bad thing.

I am not running away.

Alive Again

I woke up in darkness
Surrounded by silence
Oh where, oh where have I gone?
I woke to reality Losing its grip on me

Oh where, where have I gone?
'Cause I can see the light
Before I see the sunrise
You called and You shouted

Broke through my deafness
Now I'm breathing in and breathing out
I'm alive again
You shattered my darkness

Washed away my blindness
Now I'm breathing in and breathing out
I'm alive again
Late have I loved You
You waited for me, I searched for You

What took me so long?
I was looking outside
As if Love would ever want to hide
I'm finding I was wrong

'Cause I feel the wind
Before it hits my skin
'Cause I want You,
Yes I want You I need You, and I'll do

Whatever I have to just to get through
'Cause I love You,
Yeah I love You

I guess normal people find a way to go through life without breaking
as many friendships as I have.

There is no Rock like our God

I don't want God as much as I should, but I want to want Him more. I want Him as my everything... really my everything. I want to be all-in, to have no reservations. The more my heart is revealed to me, the more frustrated I get... but the more God transforms my spirit, the less those frustrations act as an effective obstacle. Because I have God, I have hope... when I can see none.

And my heart

burns

for You!

I need more of the Word in my life... the Word that sustains me. When I have no Word, I starve.

- The laborer's appetite works for him; his hunger drives him on. (Proverbs 16:26)

- O LORD, by your hand save me from such men, from men of this world whose reward is in this life. You still the hunger of those you cherish; their sons have plenty, and they store up wealth for their children. (Psalm 17:14)

I am so hungry. I am so starved. My spirit cries and yearns from within me: for holiness, for purity, for sustenance, for vision, for hope, for power, for renewal, for resurrection, for recreation, for the fulfillment of all things. Come, Lord Jesus, come. There is no power that comes anywhere near the fearsome sovereignty of the LORD GOD ALMIGHTY... it's not even close. Satan and all his dark angels cannot come anywhere close to singeing even the hem of His robe, or touching the least of His precious ones without His tacit approval. I shall have no fear, because I trust in the goodness and the judgment of my God.

For Thou O LORD

Art High

Above all the earth

Thou art exalted

Far above

All gods.

An end to madness. An end to greed. A new beginning for all good things, green and flourishing. The LORD has decreed it, I shall declare it. May I declare it with my life as well as my words. An end to hypocrisy and flirtations with the impotent darkness. Fire of God, overwhelm us.

Deliverance

Another day, another death or death of a child. How do I navigate this world of personal tragedy without having it overwhelm me? I really need to get back into the Word. Lord help me.

Am I weak for being glad that Ramadan is almost over?

Present

The world is about to enter a very, very dangerous season. Must remember to be in prayer. Safety is not the absence of danger but the presence of God.

God help me; sometimes, if I'm honest, I realize I'm afraid of death and I need to not be.

Hold my peace

Lord, keep me still. I'm bleeding all over the floor.

Seriously

I am a basket case.

Awakening

Lord, I am craving revival. Call it forth. Let Your glory fall.

Everything

Jesus will never be all you need until He's all you have. - Kirk Franklin

Looks like I'm in the best place I could possibly be in.

Masculinity

What kind of man can't provide for his family? Jesus you're all I
have.

Hollowed

I have nothing to offer the people of Kyrgyzstan after all. Thank you, Lord, for helping me realize that. If it be your will to send me, please fill my empty hands.

Humility is hard. Being stripped is such a lonely process. I pray it bears good fruit.

1 Timothy 3.9-10

They must hold the mystery of the faith with a clear conscience. And let them also be tested first; then let them ... if they prove themselves blameless.

Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me, a sinner.

Banal

There are a million poems about longing
Enough to carpet the way to the moon and back
And my little poem will not matter so
Much as a snowflake atop an avalanche
But the ache in my heart
Is what it is
And I am waiting for you
To take me home.

Isaac

Jesus will ever be all I need until He's all I have.

God, I trust you. Even though I'm so scared.

The more I seek You

The more I seek You

The more I find You

The more I find You

The more I love You

I want to sit at Your feet

Drink from the cup in Your hand

Lean back against You and breathe

Feel Your heartbeat

This love is so deep

It's more than I can stand

I melt in Your peace

It's overwhelming

("The More I Seek You," Kari Jobe)

XD

I'm happy. Not in a euphoric way, but in a calm/content/lasting sort of way. I have joy, I have hope, I have confidence in my God. I have no room in my heart today for cynicism, today or any other day. I'm really happy.

Finally, something truly blogworthy to write about. Thank you, Jesus.

In other news, there is a 40-something woman outside the window, sipping on her coffee and smoking her Marlboros. Her eyes are ringed with dark circles of eyeshadow, and she has drawn a mustache onto her upper lip. I'm not sure what to make of this.

Hope floats

I'm not there yet. Not even where my friends were when they were 23. I wasted my life when I was supposed to be growing.

But there is hope for me, so take me there Jesus. I'm willing to submit.

:'(

Why did I let myself waste so much of my life away?

Note to self

All actions have consequences. Stop living out of brokenness.

Johannes Brahms and Clara Schumann

The modern biographers worry
"how far it went," their tender friendship
They wonder just what it means
when he writes he thinks of her constantly,
his guardian angel, beloved friend.
The modern biographers ask
the rude, irrelevant question
of our age, as if the event
of two bodies meshing together
establishes the degree of love,
forgetting how softly Eros walked
in the nineteenth century, how a hand
held overlong or a gaze anchored
in someone's eyes could unseat a heart,
and nuances of address not known
in our egalitarian language
could make the redolent air
tremble and shimmer with the heat
of possibility. Each time I hear
the Intermezzi, sad
and lavish in their tenderness,
I imagine the two of them
sitting in a garden
among late-blooming roses
and dark cascades of leaves,
letting the landscape speak for them,
leaving us nothing to overhear.

By Lisel Mueller

It will not come near you

Chaplain? God guide my steps.
Revival amongst an entire people? Break the curse of centuries over an entire people?
Count the cost. This road will not be easy.

Psalm 91.7: A thousand may fall at your side,ten thousand at your right hand,but it will not come near you.

Perfect love casts out all fear.

Grace

The Lord is so good to me, I'm speechless beyond words.
His faithfulness cannot be understated.
Thank You Thank You Thank You.

Simple

Trust and obey for there's no other way
To be happy in Jesus
But to trust and obey.

Gift

Life is so lonely here in the United States.

New

I don't want to eat when I'm not hungry.
I want to pray when I need to pray.
I want to cry when I need to cry.
I want to know the ways of the Lord and live according to them.
I despise these old chains.
I don't want to live like a king.
I want praise to ever be the song on my heart.
I want worship to break through the crust of my routine.
I want to want worthwhile things.
I want every good gift from God.
I want a pure love.
I want a family.
I want to be patient.

It's fading already

Lord, I don't want to forget!
I don't want to let go!
Help me!
Save me from myself!
Crucify my flesh today so that I might be found in you.
Show me the way of right because my moral compass is broken.
Let me love your law and treasure your ways.
Greater than the acts of God are the ways of God. May my life reflect
your heart.
I need you so much. In my brokeness I cry out to you.
JESUS!

An-swol was right

Wake up, Chris, it's time to wake up.
You are not 16 anymore.
Time has passed you by.
Thankfully, God has not left you.
Time to be the you that you can still be.

Grow up, little one.

P.S. I really miss California.

I'm sure I've posted this before

Sometimes the night was beautiful
Sometimes the sky seemed so far away.

Cusp

Because of what Jesus did for me at the cross, I have hope in life.
Not just hope that I won't be in Hell for my afterlife.
Not just hope that my life will have meaning and purpose.
Not just hope that I won't go though existence unloved.

But hope for today.
Hope that there is more than this.
Hope that I'm not condemned to 40 years of wandering in the desert.
Hope that even if I wander for 40 years, there is a way out.
Hope that my mistakes will not persecute me until my death.
Hope to keep going.
Hope to carry on.

Because days like today, I really need hope.
I'm alive because He lives in me.
I'm alive because He has set me free.

I struggle with Kyrgyzstan because I realize I have hit a wall.
I cannot see life beyond July.
Perhaps my earthly life will end in a foreign land, a waterless steppe amongst the people Jesus loves dearly--the lowly and the lost.
Frankly, it would be a fitting and honorable end, the type of end I have prayed for since I was a child.
But I do not think it will come to pass that way.

When I was 18, I looked across the darkened midnight expanse of the Pacific and was terrified. I felt like I had nobody to guide me across the waters, but God's hand was there.
When I was 23, I looked out across the other side of the Pacific and was sorrowful that I had passed through the valley of decision, and that doors were shut behind that could never be opened again. Yet God's hand was there.
Now I am 28. There is no ocean here, and I am sorrowful.
I feel your hand, Lord, but I cannot see it. I want to hold Your hand, but I cannot find it.

I am tired of idols. Truth be told, they are probably tired of me as well.

This is a dark post, but I hold on to this truth: the light is coming. The Son is coming.

Come, Lord Jesus!

If nothing else

(by Over the Rhine)

i'm so tired in the mornings
i try to go back
i try to remember
the light appearing
without warning
tying up my hands
like i'm good for nothing

if nothing else i can dream
i can dream
i'll never tell never tell
all i've seen
right in front of me
like the ghost of every thing that i could be

for the night sky is an ocean
black distant sea
washing up to my window
all the stray dog night owl junkies
orphans vagabonds
angels who lost their halos

if nothing else i can dream
i can dream
i'll never tell never tell
all i've seen
right in front of me,
like the ghost of every thing that i could be
in the cool and callous grip of reality

words in my head
like misfits after midnight
begging for a light
words left unsaid
they may never see the light of day
and that may be okay
if nothing else i can dream

4 years

I wonder if she'll ever forgive me.

Ascents

Take off my glasses
Rub the crusts from my eyes
Idan Raichel sings to his woman
I too call from the depths
"Where is the night to embrace my sorrows?"
"When is the sunrise of my life?"
The only arms here are mine
And the sun rises upon a promise
With the LORD there is redemption
By his unfailing love I can remain
Mi'ma'amakim

I am fighting silently

"Mi'ma'amakim"

From deep depths I called to you to come to me
with your return the light in my eyes will come back
it's not finished,
I am not leaving the touch of your hands
that it may come and light up/wake upon
hearing the sound of your laugh.

From deep depths I called to you to come to me
the moonlight I will again light your way to me
they're spread out and melted again
the touch of your hands
I whisper, ask in your ears:
Who is it that calls to you tonight - listen
who sings loudly to you - to your window
who put his soul so you'd be happy
who will put his hand and build you your home
who will give his life, put it underneath you
who will be like dust living at your feet
who will love you of all your lovers
who will save you from all evil spirits
from the deep depths.

From deep depths I called to you to come to me
the moonlight I will again light your way to me
they're spread out and melted again
the touch of your hands
I whisper, ask in your ears:
Who is it that calls to you tonight

------

Psalm 130

Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD;

O Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
to my cry for mercy.

If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins,
O Lord, who could stand?

But with you there is forgiveness;
therefore you are feared.

I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
and in his word I put my hope.

My soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning.

O Israel, put your hope in the LORD,
for with the LORD is unfailing love
and with him is full redemption.

He himself will redeem Israel
from all their sins.

Desert Song

This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain

I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow

Stand

Give us freedom and joy in Your presence, Lord
In your presence we're free
Come let us shout and dance and lift up our hands and
Sing 'cause we are free...

-----

"Do you want to know the secret to living your life in the light? Never stop being hungry for God."

- Jaeson Ma (Man, J, I never get used to spelling your name with the e. At least you stopped calling yourself Jaekwest.)

Epilogue

Its easier to concede defeat now that I see how happy he makes her. I
doubt I could ever make her that happy.

Giver of all good things

Thanks, Lord, for setting me straight.
And I come back to you, the source of all.
Be to me my everything
And send me companions of the heart.

I remember now

I'm sorry for using you as a balm for my loneliness.
I'm sorry Lord for forgetting that only You can occupy that place in my heart.

I can't believe that I've forgotten what it was to be lonely like this.
We all live lives of quiet desperation.

To light a lamp in the darkness
And lead the lost from their corners
How far I've strayed
How good it is to remember.

Deus intra machina

"Relationships have their own ebb and flow."

I realize that I have been waiting with suspended thought for you to come to a conclusion I predicted three months ago. But I withheld my judgment because you told me that I was being offensive, that there was no way I could know. Perhaps this is another way I can serve you (though you told me you don't want me to serve you... guess I can't do anything right).

Exit stage right.

Epitaph

"Here lies Chris Chu.  He loved Jesus, and in Him he was strong and brave."

I can't read that without wanting to cry.

Though the sorrow may last for a night

I will punish her for the days
she burned incense to the Baals;
she decked herself with rings and jewelry,
and went after her lovers,
but me she forgot,"
declares the LORD.

"Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her.

There I will give her back her vineyards,
and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.
There she will sing as in the days of her youth,
as in the day she came up out of Egypt.

"In that day," declares the LORD,
"you will call me 'my husband';
you will no longer call me 'my master.
(Hosea 2.13-16)

-----
If you pay attention to these laws and are careful to follow them, then the LORD your God will keep his covenant of love with you, as he swore to your forefathers. He will love you and bless you and increase your numbers. He will bless the fruit of your womb, the crops of your land—your grain, new wine and oil—the calves of your herds and the lambs of your flocks in the land that he swore to your forefathers to give you. You will be blessed more than any other people; none of your men or women will be childless, nor any of your livestock without young. The LORD will keep you free from every disease. He will not inflict on you the horrible diseases you knew in Egypt, but he will inflict them on all who hate you. You must destroy all the peoples the LORD your God gives over to you. Do not look on them with pity and do not serve their gods, for that will be a snare to you.
(Deuteronomy 6.12-16)

The Almighty doesn't fuck up.

I don't want to be a violator anymore. God, please restore my sense of morality.

I am God's original masterpiece.
I am God's original masterpiece.
I am God's original masterpiece.

Insufficient

I can't make it through a day without feeling her disapproval and/or
disappointment. It's like Susan again.

Am I unsafe? God help me.

ad astra, per aspera

amabit sapiens, cupient caeteri.

It takes one to know one.

Sin breaks my heart, especially when I've committed it. And then I see reminders of it in the sins of others.

But seriously, man behind me, stop being a perv.

Failure to communicate.

Jesus, help me...

Hanokh

Gone so soon?

Brother, you were a revelation. Say hello to the Lord, Charles, and the rest of the cloud of witnesses for us who are still down here, k? We miss you, but Esther will miss you most. You have no idea how long she waited for you to show up.

Then again, you probably do, since you waited that long yourself. You are twice the man I could ever be.

Say hello to Yi-Jien if he's up there, and not hiding out in a Montana snow cave. Tell him I miss talking philosophy with him, that I miss his weiqi lessons. Tell him that Sindy misses him a lot, that she loves him a lot, that we felt he left too soon too... but we'd be foolish to question the wisdom of the Lord.

Say hello to Lee. I don't know if her parents cry themselves to sleep anymore.

Say hello to Sam. Sam, sorry I was so incompetent at taking care of you. You taught me a lot about the human spirit. Sam, do you get to talk to brother Dietrich about his last days at Buchenwald (I think it was)? For some reason, I feel like you both went through similar ordeals, though your prisons were very different in nature.

Say hello to Prof. Hatcher and Doc Campbell. I don't think I could be half the men they were, either.

There are so many others. Lord, I'm so tired.

Il suo cuore è lontano da me.

Il mio cuore è spezzato. Il mio affetto, non morire.

I will hope in the Lord, for He has promised to be good to me.

Heartbreak is the crucible where my love is refined.
-----

I am hungry
I am hungry
I am hungry for more of You
I am thirsty
O Jesus
I am thirty for more of You.

:'(

His knowledge, my comfort

At the foot of the cross is a muddy puddle. Above it is a sign that
reads: "tears go here." Just in case we miss the spot, Christ himself
shed the first tears for us to mark the place.
-----

Take my heart I lay it down
At the feet of You who's crowned
And take my life I'm letting go
I lift it up to You who's trhoned

Take my fret take my fear
All I have I'm leaving here
Be all my hopes be all my dreams
Be all my delights be my ev'rything

And I will worship You lord only You Lord
And I will bow down before You only You Lord
-----

You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you. (From the Message version of the Beatitudes)

Note to self.

I'm going to choose to hope on a God who loves me and wants the very
best for me, and wants to give me good things, who is redeeming me so
I won't abuse his good gifts.

I cried like never before

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear.
Even though I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won't turn back I know you are near.
I will fear no evil, for my God is with me
And if my God is with me, whom shall I fear?
-----

Though the sorrow may last for the night,
His joy comes with the morning.
-----

I say yes to freedom for the both of us.
Thank you Jesus for breaking my heart.
I will not turn back from the heartache.
God grant me grace to drink this cup to the dregs, and let this broken heart turn me back to you.

"Ten-Character" Rack

So pretty in pictures
So noble in ideals
The cross is a lonely road.

Travail

Lord, only You walk with me on this trail of tears. The others have all
left or I've driven them away. Accusation looms before, regret and
grief lurk behind. I am written off as freak or failure in the eyes of
the world. It is hard to follow You to Calvary.

Here again, always

I'm a fool.

Resisting, for now.

It's so hard to say, "Thine will be done," when obedience is calling for inaction.

Wishful

Man, I want a one month vacation. :( But I have no money, and I can't get away from myself.

I think I just want to be alone.

Avant

Il ne fait pas mal plus, mais je ne veux pas encore d'être son ami.

Pourtant, je suis tellement fatigué de faire du mal de personnes.

Onward

Discipline: not looking back. Right or wrong? I don't know. But it is in front of me.

Is happiness really meant for everybody? Regardless, I know the point of my life is not to be happy.

To know Your name

The precious blood of Jesus Christ redeems
Forgiven I'm alive restored set free
Your majesty resides inside of me
Forever I believe
Forever I believe
Arrested by Your truth and righteousness
Your grace has overwhelmed my brokenness
Convicted by Your spirit led by Your word
Your love will never fail
Your love will never fail

I know You gave
The word Your only Son for us
To know Your name
To live within the Saviour's love
He took my place
Knowing He'd be crucified
And You loved
You loved a people undeserving

Just deserts

God give me grace and please, please transform me. I'm just a ball of hurt right now, and I've felt so empty. I know I'm to blame for that... I've felt you knocking and I haven't answered when the larders were full, so now that it's empty I have no right to cry. I accept my indignation, but I look to you in hope. I don't know what to do.

The writing's always been on the wall

I don't know what to do.

God give me a way to move forward. Transform my heart so I have integrity like yours. Make me steadfast and faithful through even the deepest depression. Restore brother Todd. Forgive me for not making the tough choices. Change me, lest I die.

Lest I die.

------

I know my God saved the day
And I know His word never fails
And I know my God made a way for me
It's going to be alright.

Four Thoughts

Eat the congee, taste the pickle
Simple fare for a simple night
The moon is shining, the air is still
The window is open but the taste is stifling.

-----
Du Fu's blood is the same as mine
But I cannot read him without a translation
Am I Chinese?

-----
What is the greatness of poetry
If not the interpretation of experience?
What is the beauty of humanity
If not the experience of the divine?

-----
I say I love you
But is it ok
To want the cookies
You will never send?

Can my love remain unconditional
In the face of your demands?

Sin

Sin roots so deeply in me. Father, I need your mercy so badly. My depravity really is total.

I am so afraid, but my God is so much bigger

I didn't know "Ahava" means love.

Then I proclaimed a fast there, at the river Ahava, that we might humble ourselves before our God, to seek from him a safe journey for ourselves, our children, and all our goods. For I was ashamed to ask the king for a band of soldiers and horsemen to protect us against the enemy on our way, since we had told the king, "The hand of our God is for good on all who seek him, and the power of his wrath is against all who forsake him." So we fasted and implored our God for this, and he listened to our entreaty.

Ezra 8.21-23

It is the cry of my heart to follow You

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart


I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
"dull the nails that still remain"
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
"dull the nails that still remains"
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart

"Worlds Apart," Jars of Clay

To Tremble in the Fear

Open our eyes
To see the things that make Your heart cry
To be the church that You would desire
Your light to be seen

Break down our pride
And all the walls we’ve built up inside
Our earthly crowns and all our desires
We lay at Your feet

Let hope rise
And darkness tremble
In Your holy light
That every eye will see
Jesus our God
Great and mighty to be praised

God of all days
Glorious in all of Your ways
Oh the majesty the wonder and grace
In the light of Your Name

With everything
With everything
We will shout for Your glory
With everything
With everything
We will shout forth Your praise

Our hearts they cry
Be glorified
Be lifted high above all names
For You our King
With everything
We will shout forth Your praise

I'm a lucky man

I guess I'm just a big talker?

In search of my ultimate calling

Thirst and hunger.

Open to God
Denial towards the flesh
Relentless towards love
Relentless against sin.

1hr+ pr.
1hr+ sc.
1hr+ ex.
fs.

biblical studies
church structures
evangelism
engaging world issues
engaging cultures
counseling techniques
preaching and communication
deliverance, healing, discernment
power and Word

soaking in God's love, reveling in His intimacy, resting in His mercy, awestruck in His glory, kneeling in holy fear
clarity of thought, singularity of purpose, efficiency in motion, decisiveness in action.

Fruit of the spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, self-control

too blessed to be stressed. no fear. perfect love casts out all fear.

N.

I can't say I'm not disappointed but it feels right, and that's all
that matters. I want to be married to you, Jesus.

Isaiah 62

1 For Zion’s sake I will not keep silent,
and for Jerusalem’s sake I will not be quiet,
until her righteousness goes forth as brightness,
and her salvation as a burning torch.

Words are connected to action for God (i.e. creation). God acts by speaking. When God says He will not keep silent, it means He intends to act. It is a promise for me, that God intends to act on my behalf and on my church's behalf, on Israel's behalf and on this world's behalf. The object of God's action is my righteousness and salvation.

2 The nations shall see your righteousness,
and all the kings your glory,
and you shall be called by a new name
that the mouth of the LORD will give.

God acts through His word, and the results are seen by all the world. God not only speaks a new thing to be done to me externally, but a new destiny reflected by my new name... not a name given to me by earthly parents, but from the mouth of the LORD Himself. He loves me deeply and uniquely enough to choose it especially for me.

3You shall be a crown of beauty in the hand of the LORD,
and a royal diadem in the hand of your God.

I am beautiful and treasured, a crowning work to exponentially enhance the dignity of the LORD's handiwork.

4 You shall no more be termed Forsaken,
and your land shall no more be termed Desolate,
but you shall be called My Delight Is in Her,
and your land Married;
for the LORD delights in you,
and your land shall be married.

I will be desired and fruitful, no longer incomplete or kept in a state of unsated longing. I can't help but think of N and her desire for fulfillment in marriage when I read this.

5For as a young man marries a young woman,
so shall your sons marry you,
and as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride,
so shall your God rejoice over you.

Israel's people will not only love her, but marry her and marry into her destiny. And the LORD will take pleasure in her as a husband delights in His wife. May the same be said of CCCNJ and her sons and daughters!

6 On your walls, O Jerusalem,
I have set watchmen;
all the day and all the night
they shall never be silent.
You who put the LORD in remembrance,
take no rest,

I need to be more relentless in intercession. I need to keep watch. LORD, open my eyes to see as a good watchman ought.

7 and give him no rest
until he establishes Jerusalem
and makes it a praise in the earth.

It is the LORD who does the work, and He will. This is fact. Jerusalem will be a praise in the earth, a testimony to His person. May the same be said of CCCNJ, and may we give God no rest until He accomplishes what He has said!

8 The LORD has sworn by his right hand
and by his mighty arm:
"I will not again give your grain
to be food for your enemies,
and foreigners shall not drink your wine
for which you have labored;

What is the grain for CCCNJ? What is the wine? LORD, what are you trying to say? What is it that we have labored for, and how has it been given to our enemies and oppressors? Is is peace? Fulfillment? Pride?

9 but those who garner it shall eat it
and praise the LORD,
and those who gather it shall drink it
in the courts of my sanctuary."

Whatever this is, we will enjoy it in the presence of God, not apart from it, because it is He who has accomplished it and brought about our safety and surety.

10 Go through, go through the gates;
prepare the way for the people;
build up, build up the highway;
clear it of stones;
lift up a signal over the peoples.

Light a flare and point the way to God's people. Remove the obstacles that stand between God and His presence.

11 Behold, the LORD has proclaimed
to the end of the earth:
Say to the daughter of Zion,
"Behold, your salvation comes;
behold, his reward is with him,
and his recompense before him."

Announce as a done deal the salvation of God. Justice and reward are coming! Announce not only to the people of God, but to the end of the earth. The LORD Himself proclaims it!

12 And they shall be called The Holy People,
The Redeemed of the LORD;
and you shall be called Sought Out,
A City Not Forsaken.

Holy people, sanctified and separated for service of God. Redeemed... a people bought from slavery with a price. Sought out, not seeking out for anything to hold on to. A City Not Forsaken, no longer desolate and unwanted or abandoned.

<3

Hearts are not pawns; life is not a game.

In a single hour

I can't shake this nagging feeling that the sky is about to fall. We're very close now.