Who is the Kurtz at the end of my river?

It's funny. I haven't felt this alone in a very very long time, but it makes me want to drive people away far more than it makes me want to have people around me... although I still do, in a passive-aggressive way, if it makes any sense. I think my pride reflex and self-sufficiency has kicked into full gear. I catch myself wanting to call someone up and tell them it's my birthday and ask them to have dinner with me, but aborting at the last minute. Then I go to Applebee's by myself.

I don't think I ever pictured myself eating my birthday fries by myself on my 26th birthday. Even the waitress felt sorry for me. But I don't think I could bring myself to ask anybody to come along either. I am terrified that people will show love to me out of obligation. I hate obligation with a passion. And you know what? The one person here who would unreservedly show up at my party out of unconditional love for me... I try to push her away with all I've got. I try not to, but her love is unbearable. How did I get so screwed up.

My life is filled with so many unhappy regrets. It's only by faith that I have joy and hope in the life Christ has for me, but the days are strained with difficulty. It's not depression that I'm going through; been there, done that, and it's a whole different animal. I'm in new, unfamiliar territory here. And I need to quit whining... even though I'm hurting.

You know what part of it is? Even after 26 years, it still hurts me to be reminded of what a cold, heartless, selfish place our world is. The longing for Home is as strong as ever. What if heaven turns out to be so very different from what I've imagined it to be? Will I be disappointed in Eternity? God give me the grace to really see Truth and see past the lies.

If this were two years ago, I'd write about how much I wish Jesus would come back already. But right now, if the Christ were to return this very moment, I'm not sure He'd call me "good and faithful servant." After all, doesn't he say, "Away from me!" to all those who fail to truly love and obey Him, despite having been used by Him in the most amazing ways? I cannot trust my own traitor heart.