Epilogue

Its easier to concede defeat now that I see how happy he makes her. I
doubt I could ever make her that happy.

Giver of all good things

Thanks, Lord, for setting me straight.
And I come back to you, the source of all.
Be to me my everything
And send me companions of the heart.

I remember now

I'm sorry for using you as a balm for my loneliness.
I'm sorry Lord for forgetting that only You can occupy that place in my heart.

I can't believe that I've forgotten what it was to be lonely like this.
We all live lives of quiet desperation.

To light a lamp in the darkness
And lead the lost from their corners
How far I've strayed
How good it is to remember.

Deus intra machina

"Relationships have their own ebb and flow."

I realize that I have been waiting with suspended thought for you to come to a conclusion I predicted three months ago. But I withheld my judgment because you told me that I was being offensive, that there was no way I could know. Perhaps this is another way I can serve you (though you told me you don't want me to serve you... guess I can't do anything right).

Exit stage right.

Epitaph

"Here lies Chris Chu.  He loved Jesus, and in Him he was strong and brave."

I can't read that without wanting to cry.

Though the sorrow may last for a night

I will punish her for the days
she burned incense to the Baals;
she decked herself with rings and jewelry,
and went after her lovers,
but me she forgot,"
declares the LORD.

"Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her.

There I will give her back her vineyards,
and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.
There she will sing as in the days of her youth,
as in the day she came up out of Egypt.

"In that day," declares the LORD,
"you will call me 'my husband';
you will no longer call me 'my master.
(Hosea 2.13-16)

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If you pay attention to these laws and are careful to follow them, then the LORD your God will keep his covenant of love with you, as he swore to your forefathers. He will love you and bless you and increase your numbers. He will bless the fruit of your womb, the crops of your land—your grain, new wine and oil—the calves of your herds and the lambs of your flocks in the land that he swore to your forefathers to give you. You will be blessed more than any other people; none of your men or women will be childless, nor any of your livestock without young. The LORD will keep you free from every disease. He will not inflict on you the horrible diseases you knew in Egypt, but he will inflict them on all who hate you. You must destroy all the peoples the LORD your God gives over to you. Do not look on them with pity and do not serve their gods, for that will be a snare to you.
(Deuteronomy 6.12-16)

The Almighty doesn't fuck up.

I don't want to be a violator anymore. God, please restore my sense of morality.

I am God's original masterpiece.
I am God's original masterpiece.
I am God's original masterpiece.

Insufficient

I can't make it through a day without feeling her disapproval and/or
disappointment. It's like Susan again.

Am I unsafe? God help me.

ad astra, per aspera

amabit sapiens, cupient caeteri.

It takes one to know one.

Sin breaks my heart, especially when I've committed it. And then I see reminders of it in the sins of others.

But seriously, man behind me, stop being a perv.

Failure to communicate.

Jesus, help me...

Hanokh

Gone so soon?

Brother, you were a revelation. Say hello to the Lord, Charles, and the rest of the cloud of witnesses for us who are still down here, k? We miss you, but Esther will miss you most. You have no idea how long she waited for you to show up.

Then again, you probably do, since you waited that long yourself. You are twice the man I could ever be.

Say hello to Yi-Jien if he's up there, and not hiding out in a Montana snow cave. Tell him I miss talking philosophy with him, that I miss his weiqi lessons. Tell him that Sindy misses him a lot, that she loves him a lot, that we felt he left too soon too... but we'd be foolish to question the wisdom of the Lord.

Say hello to Lee. I don't know if her parents cry themselves to sleep anymore.

Say hello to Sam. Sam, sorry I was so incompetent at taking care of you. You taught me a lot about the human spirit. Sam, do you get to talk to brother Dietrich about his last days at Buchenwald (I think it was)? For some reason, I feel like you both went through similar ordeals, though your prisons were very different in nature.

Say hello to Prof. Hatcher and Doc Campbell. I don't think I could be half the men they were, either.

There are so many others. Lord, I'm so tired.

Il suo cuore è lontano da me.

Il mio cuore è spezzato. Il mio affetto, non morire.

I will hope in the Lord, for He has promised to be good to me.

Heartbreak is the crucible where my love is refined.
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I am hungry
I am hungry
I am hungry for more of You
I am thirsty
O Jesus
I am thirty for more of You.

:'(

His knowledge, my comfort

At the foot of the cross is a muddy puddle. Above it is a sign that
reads: "tears go here." Just in case we miss the spot, Christ himself
shed the first tears for us to mark the place.
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Take my heart I lay it down
At the feet of You who's crowned
And take my life I'm letting go
I lift it up to You who's trhoned

Take my fret take my fear
All I have I'm leaving here
Be all my hopes be all my dreams
Be all my delights be my ev'rything

And I will worship You lord only You Lord
And I will bow down before You only You Lord
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You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you. (From the Message version of the Beatitudes)

Note to self.

I'm going to choose to hope on a God who loves me and wants the very
best for me, and wants to give me good things, who is redeeming me so
I won't abuse his good gifts.

I cried like never before

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear.
Even though I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won't turn back I know you are near.
I will fear no evil, for my God is with me
And if my God is with me, whom shall I fear?
-----

Though the sorrow may last for the night,
His joy comes with the morning.
-----

I say yes to freedom for the both of us.
Thank you Jesus for breaking my heart.
I will not turn back from the heartache.
God grant me grace to drink this cup to the dregs, and let this broken heart turn me back to you.

"Ten-Character" Rack

So pretty in pictures
So noble in ideals
The cross is a lonely road.

Travail

Lord, only You walk with me on this trail of tears. The others have all
left or I've driven them away. Accusation looms before, regret and
grief lurk behind. I am written off as freak or failure in the eyes of
the world. It is hard to follow You to Calvary.