Four Thoughts

Eat the congee, taste the pickle
Simple fare for a simple night
The moon is shining, the air is still
The window is open but the taste is stifling.

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Du Fu's blood is the same as mine
But I cannot read him without a translation
Am I Chinese?

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What is the greatness of poetry
If not the interpretation of experience?
What is the beauty of humanity
If not the experience of the divine?

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I say I love you
But is it ok
To want the cookies
You will never send?

Can my love remain unconditional
In the face of your demands?

Sin

Sin roots so deeply in me. Father, I need your mercy so badly. My depravity really is total.

I am so afraid, but my God is so much bigger

I didn't know "Ahava" means love.

Then I proclaimed a fast there, at the river Ahava, that we might humble ourselves before our God, to seek from him a safe journey for ourselves, our children, and all our goods. For I was ashamed to ask the king for a band of soldiers and horsemen to protect us against the enemy on our way, since we had told the king, "The hand of our God is for good on all who seek him, and the power of his wrath is against all who forsake him." So we fasted and implored our God for this, and he listened to our entreaty.

Ezra 8.21-23

It is the cry of my heart to follow You

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die

To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache

Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow

To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees

All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me

Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart


I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
"dull the nails that still remain"
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
"dull the nails that still remains"
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart

"Worlds Apart," Jars of Clay

To Tremble in the Fear

Open our eyes
To see the things that make Your heart cry
To be the church that You would desire
Your light to be seen

Break down our pride
And all the walls we’ve built up inside
Our earthly crowns and all our desires
We lay at Your feet

Let hope rise
And darkness tremble
In Your holy light
That every eye will see
Jesus our God
Great and mighty to be praised

God of all days
Glorious in all of Your ways
Oh the majesty the wonder and grace
In the light of Your Name

With everything
With everything
We will shout for Your glory
With everything
With everything
We will shout forth Your praise

Our hearts they cry
Be glorified
Be lifted high above all names
For You our King
With everything
We will shout forth Your praise

I'm a lucky man

I guess I'm just a big talker?

In search of my ultimate calling

Thirst and hunger.

Open to God
Denial towards the flesh
Relentless towards love
Relentless against sin.

1hr+ pr.
1hr+ sc.
1hr+ ex.
fs.

biblical studies
church structures
evangelism
engaging world issues
engaging cultures
counseling techniques
preaching and communication
deliverance, healing, discernment
power and Word

soaking in God's love, reveling in His intimacy, resting in His mercy, awestruck in His glory, kneeling in holy fear
clarity of thought, singularity of purpose, efficiency in motion, decisiveness in action.

Fruit of the spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, self-control

too blessed to be stressed. no fear. perfect love casts out all fear.

N.

I can't say I'm not disappointed but it feels right, and that's all
that matters. I want to be married to you, Jesus.

Isaiah 62

1 For Zion’s sake I will not keep silent,
and for Jerusalem’s sake I will not be quiet,
until her righteousness goes forth as brightness,
and her salvation as a burning torch.

Words are connected to action for God (i.e. creation). God acts by speaking. When God says He will not keep silent, it means He intends to act. It is a promise for me, that God intends to act on my behalf and on my church's behalf, on Israel's behalf and on this world's behalf. The object of God's action is my righteousness and salvation.

2 The nations shall see your righteousness,
and all the kings your glory,
and you shall be called by a new name
that the mouth of the LORD will give.

God acts through His word, and the results are seen by all the world. God not only speaks a new thing to be done to me externally, but a new destiny reflected by my new name... not a name given to me by earthly parents, but from the mouth of the LORD Himself. He loves me deeply and uniquely enough to choose it especially for me.

3You shall be a crown of beauty in the hand of the LORD,
and a royal diadem in the hand of your God.

I am beautiful and treasured, a crowning work to exponentially enhance the dignity of the LORD's handiwork.

4 You shall no more be termed Forsaken,
and your land shall no more be termed Desolate,
but you shall be called My Delight Is in Her,
and your land Married;
for the LORD delights in you,
and your land shall be married.

I will be desired and fruitful, no longer incomplete or kept in a state of unsated longing. I can't help but think of N and her desire for fulfillment in marriage when I read this.

5For as a young man marries a young woman,
so shall your sons marry you,
and as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride,
so shall your God rejoice over you.

Israel's people will not only love her, but marry her and marry into her destiny. And the LORD will take pleasure in her as a husband delights in His wife. May the same be said of CCCNJ and her sons and daughters!

6 On your walls, O Jerusalem,
I have set watchmen;
all the day and all the night
they shall never be silent.
You who put the LORD in remembrance,
take no rest,

I need to be more relentless in intercession. I need to keep watch. LORD, open my eyes to see as a good watchman ought.

7 and give him no rest
until he establishes Jerusalem
and makes it a praise in the earth.

It is the LORD who does the work, and He will. This is fact. Jerusalem will be a praise in the earth, a testimony to His person. May the same be said of CCCNJ, and may we give God no rest until He accomplishes what He has said!

8 The LORD has sworn by his right hand
and by his mighty arm:
"I will not again give your grain
to be food for your enemies,
and foreigners shall not drink your wine
for which you have labored;

What is the grain for CCCNJ? What is the wine? LORD, what are you trying to say? What is it that we have labored for, and how has it been given to our enemies and oppressors? Is is peace? Fulfillment? Pride?

9 but those who garner it shall eat it
and praise the LORD,
and those who gather it shall drink it
in the courts of my sanctuary."

Whatever this is, we will enjoy it in the presence of God, not apart from it, because it is He who has accomplished it and brought about our safety and surety.

10 Go through, go through the gates;
prepare the way for the people;
build up, build up the highway;
clear it of stones;
lift up a signal over the peoples.

Light a flare and point the way to God's people. Remove the obstacles that stand between God and His presence.

11 Behold, the LORD has proclaimed
to the end of the earth:
Say to the daughter of Zion,
"Behold, your salvation comes;
behold, his reward is with him,
and his recompense before him."

Announce as a done deal the salvation of God. Justice and reward are coming! Announce not only to the people of God, but to the end of the earth. The LORD Himself proclaims it!

12 And they shall be called The Holy People,
The Redeemed of the LORD;
and you shall be called Sought Out,
A City Not Forsaken.

Holy people, sanctified and separated for service of God. Redeemed... a people bought from slavery with a price. Sought out, not seeking out for anything to hold on to. A City Not Forsaken, no longer desolate and unwanted or abandoned.

<3

Hearts are not pawns; life is not a game.